- Grief and Loss Issues
You don't have to go
through this alone.
 
Grief or loss can be
difficult enough,
without slogging
through it alone.
 
 
Perhaps, it has been just a few weeks, or months, since you lost your loved one, and now you
find that your well-meaning
friends have disappeared.
 
Or, maybe, you feel like a burden when you want to talk
about your feelings.
 
 It could be that others around
you are going through their
own feelings and cannot
be there for you.
 
 
It isn't weak to ask for help
or support.  
 
 
Would you perform your own dental work......
or would you seek a professional?
 
 
Yet, that is exactly what we do...
we struggle through alone. 
 
Afterall, it's just grief, right? 
 
We should be able to handle
 this by ourselves, right?  
 
 
  • We struggle through the endless days and sleepless nights all by ourself.
 
  • We stand at the kitchen counter, eating just to live, because there is no one to cook for, or no one to eat with.
 
  • We pity our pets, who pine at the door waiting for their human to return.  And we empathize, as they wander from room to room searching for their human.
 
  • We think we see our loved one on the street, raise our arm to flag them down, almost call their name, and then we realize that they are gone.  Dead. We'll never see our loved one, again.  And, once again,  the pain is excruciatingly fresh.
 
 
Going through this alone compounds your misery
and isolation.  
 
A grief specialist accompanies you on your journey through grief. 
 
S/he is your own personal guide and sherpa; your personal teacher, coach, and mentor.
 
 
Grief can feel unbearable and we wonder how we'll get through
the day, much less how we'll get through the rest of our life,
without that person.
 
Grief is so difficult to endure and live through because the loss of someone significant rips out a
big piece of ourselves and leaves
a glaring hole both inside us
and in our life.
 
Add to that the trauma of loss
by suicide, or murder, or being
present at the time of the
traumatic death, and you might
be suffering from grief and PTSD
(Post-traumatic Stress Disorder).
 
 
Suffering through PTSD by yourself is a recipe for a lifetime of misery. 
 
Please get help, if you have the following symptoms of PTSD: 
 
  • sleeplessness
  • nightmares
  • intrusive images
  • "movies" that seem to go on forever
  • hypervigilance (being overly aware of your surroundings)
  • a heightened startle reflex.
 
 
 
 
CHILDREN AND GRIEF
 
Conventional wisdom has it that children don't really experience the loss due to death, and that this is especially true the younger the child is.  
 
HOGWASH!!!!!!!
 
     It is true that the younger the
child is, the more likely it is that s/he will not understand, but that does not mean that they do not experience the loss.  And, normal child development means that the child will personalize the loss.  In other words, they will take full responsibility for what everyone around them is feeling, they will believe that they caused those feelings, and they will believe that they did something to bring on the loss. 
 
THE AVERAGE YOUNG CHILD
MAY  BE UNABLE TO INTELLECTUALLY UNDERSTAND DEATH,
BUT THEY CAN CERTAINLY
SOAK-UP ALL THE EMOTIONS
 IN THE HOME, AND, THEN, 
TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY
FOR EVERYTHING THAT IS HAPPENING. 
 
    And, if all that is not enough,
the average child, age 3 to 12,
will fill the void left by no information.  To put it another
way, if you do not tell your child the truth (at a level appropriate to
their intellectual and emotional age), then they will create a story to
fill that void.  And, trust me,
their imagination can create something far more horrifying
than anything you could tell them. 
 
     Case in point, the 7-year-old
I treated, who believed that her grandmother was, and I quote,
"In the box, in the ground. It's
cold and dark, and she's hungry
and scared, and trying to get out." 
 
    Or the 11-year-old who
believed that his grandmother
had died because the family brought her home on hospice. 
If she had stayed in the hospital, then she would have lived. 
In short, he believed that his
mother had killed his grandma.
 
     Leaving a child to suffer
alone with their grief or loss,
even if they don't understand
what is happening,
ESPECIALLY if they don't understand what is happening,
has longterm consequences...
and none of them are good.
 
 
 
 
There are many kinds of loss,
just as there are
many kinds of grief. 
   
LOSS can be experienced as the result of:  
 
  • death
  • miscarriage or an abortion
  • being adopted
  • adopting-out a child
  • divorce
  • betrayal
  • surgery
  • amputation
  • mental illness
  • job termination
  • and much more. 
 
 
     GRIEF (the understanding that there is a loss) can be experienced as the result of each of the above
circumstances.  MOURNING (the actual expression of the grief, e.g., crying, melancholy) is perfectly human. 
      Whether you are experiencing GRIEF DUE TO LOSS ISSUES or GRIEF DUE TO THE DEATH of someone you love, I am certified in thanatology (the study of death, dying, and bereavement) and one of my masters degrees is in Counseling Psychology with a Specialization in Loss issues and Bereavement. 
Perhaps, I can help?
 
 
 
     When someone significant in our life dies,
they take a big piece of us
with them
...and they also leave a big piece of themself behind.
 
 
     The death of our best friend,
or a parent who we cherished, or a longtime lover, or a high school sweetheart, or the spouse who changed our life, or the sibling we raised who felt like our own child, or the fur-covered person (aka our pet) who was our best friend or child...who is to say which is the  deeper loss?  Not me. 
 
 
I know, and understand,
that every person
experiences grief in their
own unique way      
...and that each loss is
unique to that person.
 
 
 
Grief American-Style
 
   If others have belittled your loss ("Seriously? It was just a cat."), told you to "Get on with your life," insisted that you "Let it go," then you have experienced grief American-style.  
 
    Americans have unrealistic  expectations for how to handle grief. 
  • Employers allow 3 days for bereavement leave and, then, expect you to function effectively at your job. 
  • Friends don't want to reminded of their own past losses, future losses, or their own mortality, so they become distant or absent.
  • And pretty much everyone else says, "Let it go, move on. It's time to move on."
    
    What is mind-boggling to me is how soon they expect the bereaved to MOVE ON.  TO LET GO.  
 
 
 
LETTING GO
 
     What does that even mean? Who really lets go?  We cannot truly let go.  All we can do is figure out how to live our life without the person who played such an important role in our life.  
     I will not tell you to let go.  I will, however, help you to learn how to live your life without the loved one present.  And, truth be told, I may even help you to learn how to live your life with the loved one present. 
    I won't tell you that you are nuts, if you talk to him at bedtime, or if you feel her presence in your home, of if you press your nose into their robe to smell them, or if you have a ongoing conversations with your loved one.   
    In my career in grief, after thousands and thousands of hours of working with grieving persons, the record for hearing the grossly insensitive, "You have to let go.  You have to move on," goes to the young widow (mid-30's) whose friends cleaned out her husband's wardrobe closet while she was out of the house, donated everything to GoodWill, and committed this violation 5 days after the man had died.  FIVE DAYS!!!!  Welcome to grief American-style.
 
 
 
TYPES OF GRIEF
 
  • Disenfranchised Grief is loss that is not honored or acknowledged by others, such as the loss of a gay partner, a longtime compansion, or a pet.
  • A sudden, unexpected lossis particularly difficult to process.
  • Loss by a traumatic experience(such as murder or suicide) is the most difficult kind of loss to process.
  • Loss after 20 yearsof being with someone brings its own kind of pain, primarily because so very much of our life has revolved around that person, and they fill-up so much of our inner life.
  • Loss with less than 20 yearsof being with someone arouses feelings of anger and betrayal. Afterall, you had hopes and dreams for the relationship, and the potential of the relationship had yet to be realized.
  • Compounded grief is a stack
     of losses, one on top of the other,
     without resolution or relief.
  • Complicated Grief can result from a suicide or murder, or a troubled relationship.  For example, the loss of a parent or a spouse or partner, who was abusive and with whom you will never be able to find peace or resolution due to their death. 
Dr. Gwen Finestone
MFT, PhD, CT
 
(714) 658-7488
 
  • Individual therapy
  • Couples therapy
  • Telephone counseling
  • Skype therapy
  • E-mail therapy
  • Coaching
 
  • Adults, children, and teens.
 
  • EXPERT WITNESS:  Grief and Loss Issues
 
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